In the past when I lost weight and felt in control of my eating, I would think, "ok, I've got this." Inevitably, that's when I would lose control again. As soon as I think I have mastered anything on my own, hence the "I've", I begin to lose control because in reality, "I" never had it. It was an illusion of control...or rather a delusion.

This time, the weight has come off and, yep, those same thoughts have returned. "Ok, I've got this. I've done enough work. I don't need meetings, a sponsor, or step work anymore. I'm so much healthier now that I can just follow the food plan, for the most part anyway, and maybe even treat myself to a dessert occasionally. Sure, I can handle that. I'm stronger now...smarter. Yeah, I've learned my lesson, so I'll be ok without the program."

Thankfully, the voice of reason(aka The Big Book) confronted those insane thoughts:

"...this time I meant business...shortly afterward I binged...Where had been my high resolve?"

"If he did not work, he would certainly binge again, and if he binged, he would surely die."

"A food addict in his sugar, flour and wheat is an unlovely creature."

"There is no middle-of-the-road solution."

"The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed."

"...there is no such thing as making a normal eater out of a food addict."

"Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out."

"The food addict at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first bite...His defense must come from a Higher Power."

"Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all the power - that One is God."

"...God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves."

"This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime."

Thank you for your post, I really needed to hear this, on struggling right now.

I have recently read Obsessed by Mika B. and it was a reality check for me. The obsession with food has been lifelong and I always thought that "I got this covered." I gain and lose all of the time thinking I have it under control. Today it is not the body size, its the crazy thinking and the worst thought, the sickest thought I ever had is when I think that I "figured it all out." I can have just "one" I will "start again tomorrow." These thoughts are the relapse and picking up is only a few days away. I struggled so much with those damn thoughts last week and I was MISERABLE. Well Im' here to say that yesterday, and today was fantastic. I am happy today, clean eating, no games. I was free today and I am grateful, the world is a little brighter today. There is hope.

I guess when we think we've got it figured out, we are trying to be in control again...and what a big mess that got us into in the first place! So thankful there is hope, a solution, and a great support group!

Thanks everyone for your posts and being part of my recovery pack.

I heard in an AA meeting years ago that the -ism in alcoholism stands for I Sponsor Myself. Recent posts remind me of that. Certainly with the food for starters, me sponsoring myself really is crazy! It really took me years to begin using a sponsor for more than just reporting food for the coming day--I really did think that was sponsorship. What I found later, once I started paying attention more (probably due to being in the pain of relapse) was that a sponsor was to take me through the steps (and since committing food and doing what I say I am going to do is part of the first step), not just to read through the steps with me (or for me to read through them myself). I went to Big Book study groups for years, and got a lot out of them, but I did not have a spiritual awakening--that came from working the steps--doing the steps--with my sponsor and some other folks together. For me, if I am not in the steps, I am not in recovery. And when I didn't know if I was "in" the steps or not, then I was not--I just couldn't see it from where I was. I know today that I am in the steps. Whew! What a relief it is! Steve In Georgia